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The NFL All Time (Fictional) Roster

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ESPN did the All Time NFL Roster, but what about the fictional ones? I was watching Friday Night Lights (The Show) and thought to myself, “Fuck, Tim Riggins would’ve been a helluva football player if he didn’t go to prison”. Is that true? I don’t know. But I do know that in the fictional world, he is the hardest hitting full back this side of the Rio Grand.

I will be going position by position and deciding which fictional player would be best. I’m also choosing a front office including Coach, Owner, GM, and Cheerleaders. I am going off of the info in the Movies and TV Shows, nothing else. If I haven’t watched something, I probably won’t add them so don’t get on my ass. Just let me know and I will revise my standings.

We will be running 11 Personnel on Offense and 3-4 on defense.

A promotional image featuring various football players on a football field backdrop, labeled with their names and positions, under the title 'THE OFFENSE'.

THE OFFENSE

A man and a girl in matching red sports jerseys and caps, both with their hands over their hearts, sitting at a press conference table with a microphone and a large 'BOSTON' sign in the background.

Joe Kingman, QB, The Game Plan (Captain)

The Gameplan came out in 2007, and the NFL script writers copied the character and renamed him “2015 Cam Newton”. My god is this guy electric. He runs like Mike Vick, passes like Aaron Rodgers, and looks like the Rock. With his signature “Kingman Spin”, this guy is a threat whether he decides to throw it or tuck it and run. Critics will call him “irresponsible” and “Immature”, but he has an estranged daughter he takes care of now so fuck off. Not only is he a fun hang, but now he is a man proud to call himself a #Girldad.

NFL Comp: Cam Newton or Josh Allen 

A young male football player wearing a blue and white jersey with the word 'Panthers' on it, standing on a football field at night.

Matt Saracen, QB2, Dillon Panthers

7 is used to being the backup. Never being the coaches 1st option. But dammit if he’s not the coaches saving grace every season. Matt is what WE in the industry call a “silent leader”. Juggling school, football, his job at the Alamo Freeze, fucking the coaches daughter, and taking care of his grandma all by himself. This MF’er will step up and throw a hail mary with his eyes wide the fuck open.

He’s a proven product at QB. Winning 2 state championships, and executing the greatest comeback in Texas Highschool Football history after having to clean up for known brat and nepo baby JD McCoy.

I know Alex Moran was there for the picking too, but Saracen has something he doesn’t, Clear Eyes and a Full Heart. He cant Lose. Also he’s fucking the coaches daughter.

NFL Comp: Nick Foles

A man in formal attire walks on a red carpet at an event, accompanied by a woman holding a sign that reads 'RAY JENNINGS'. A camera crew captures the scene in the background.

Ray Jennings, RB, Draft Day

Simply put, he’s just like his daddy. A pretty straight forward pick, this guy is “Cleveland Royalty”. There are some off the field concerns with his most recent one being arrested after “losing his mind”, but he promises he has “found it”. This is the highest graded Running Back coming out of college and people have him going top 10 even with the arrest. He reminds me of a young Arian Foster and could prove to be this franchise’s 3 down back.

NFL Comp: Arian Foster

A football player in a black and red uniform, wearing the number 23, is being tackled by another player dressed in white, who is trying to take the ball away.

Earl Megget, RB2, The Longest Yard

Other than the fact that he’s in prison, this guy is a perfect fit for the type of offense we are trying to run. His short frame with blazing speed reminds me of Desean Jackson. Using him for screens and gadget plays to get him into open field will prove deadly. This guy also hates white guys that say the n word, so if Nick Bosa is on the field, we have a guaranteed tuddy.

NFL Comp: Desean Jackson if he played RB 

Two football players facing each other, one in a white jersey with blue stripes and the other in a black jersey, both shouting in an intense moment on the field.

Deacon Moss, WR1, The Longest Yard

This dude could’ve gone prison pro in basketball or football, he had his choices. A dominating figure and presence, when this guy walks into a room, his dick has already been in there for a minute. His stature is one thing, but his demeanor and violence is what separates him. He’s built like Megatron and catches like Moss. He reminds me of Michael Irvin and is the clear option for our WR 1. Size, Speed, and hands.

NFL Comp: Michael Irvin

A football player in a red jersey with the number 85 celebrates triumphantly in front of a cheering crowd, holding a football and raising one arm in victory.

Rod Tidwell, WR2, Jerry Maguire

Big ego on this guy. He’s money hungry, but rightfully so. He’s going to bring in a big audience for this team. He loves the camera, but he loves ball more. The QB will have to make it a priority to get him the ball, but that’s how I like my receivers, a little diva. If he has a good season, we will “show him the money”. I also think it would be cool to play the”la la la la wait til i get my money right” part of “Can’t Tell Me Nothing” after he scores.

NFL Comp: Antonio Brown pre CTE

A football player in a blue jersey with the number 11, looking serious on the field, while another player in the background wears the number 9.

Spencer James, WR3, All American

Type of guy to say “Coach is right guys, its on us.”, but he is a generational prospect. The actor that plays him is British and runs routes like a 6th grade C teamer, but the numbers don’t lie. Not much more has to be said other than the fact that he won Superbowl MVP as a rookie. This feat alone makes up for the horrible writing, acting, and overall look. We also have to remember that he is originally from Crenshaw, and he “carries them” with him everywhere he goes, whatever that means.

NFL Comp: Steve Smith Sr.

A football player in a red jersey with the number 86, looking towards the camera. He's wearing a silver helmet and is on a football field, with players in black jerseys in the background.

Brian Murphy, TE, The Replacements

This is a victim of discrimination. He would’ve been a 1st round pick if he wasn’t deaf. You’re telling me Jerry Jones won’t hire an interpreter for a generational talent. It’s such clear Ableism. Where is the NFLPA in all of this? This is an obvious pick, I mean there are so few 1st round TE prospects and one falls into our laps for free. Plus all the stadium noise these teams pump in won’t affect our boy.

NFL Comp: Jason Witten

A group of men in casual attire playing basketball outdoors, with some showing enthusiasm and energy, while others watch from the sidelines.

Cheeseburger Eddy, TE2, The Longest Yard

The hookup for mid game snacks. Eddy doesn’t give a single McFuck about his body, he’s willing to put it all on the line. Whether it’s blocking or catching, he’ll go out there and perform. He has the body of a Greek god, and can sell ice to an eskimo.

NFL Comp: Aaron Hernandez

A tense scene in a gym with a shirtless man confronting a larger man in a snug white shirt, surrounded by several onlookers.

Louie Lastik, LT, Remember the Titans

Big Mother Fucker, emphasis on mother. If you asked a little kid to draw an offensive lineman, he would draw Big Louie. I know the actor himself lost a bunch of weight and became an inspiration to many, but to me he was just as inspirational as the “iron fist in a velvet glove” of the Titans.

NFL Comp: Quenton Nelson

A football player wearing a red jersey with the number 68 lies on the grass, holding a football helmet.

Jumbo Fumiko, RT/Sumo, The Replacements

For those mad at DEI, please realize that this dude is the perfect example of how beneficial it is. He blocks our QB’s Blindside with the honor and grace of the Sumos that came before him. Plus he has a huge fucking body.

NFL Comp: He reminds me more of Snorlax from Pokemon, so N/A

Man gesturing with both hands while speaking, wearing a brown jacket over a light shirt, with curtains in the background.

Cam Tucker, C, Modern Family

Sassy fella, but I like having a Center that dont take none (snaps in your face). We will be playing modern football, and therefore we need modern representation. Enemies will “sashe away” when they see Cam calling the blitzing backer.

NFL Comp: Jason Kelce

Two large men and a third man stand together in a parking lot, with cars and trees in the background.

Jamal Abdul & André “Action” Jackson, LG & RG, The Replacements

These brothas are the definition of perfect teammates. They protect the QB on and off the field. You need someone blocked, they are there. You need someone to help you move, they are there. You need someone “taken care of”, they are there with only one question “whose car we gonna take?”. It’s also gonna be one tasty oreo cookie with Cam smashed in between them.

NFL Comp: They are both Richie Incognito

A close-up of a football player in a blue jersey, showing a serious expression while listening to a coach or teammate.

Billy Bob, OL, Varsity Blues

With a name like that and a body like that, he needs to be on our team. Billy Bob was able to stand up to his coach for his teammate, that’s the type of heart I like to see in my players. Culture fit is really the deciding factor in my decisions, and this was an easy decision.

NFL Comp: Dan Connolly

Image of a football defense lineup featuring characters including Torres, Vontae Mack, Thad Castle, Bobby Boucher, Gerry Bertier, Switowski, Julius Campbell, Luther 'Shark' Lavy, Brian Chavez, and Stefen Djordjevic, set on a football field background.

THE DEFENSE

A close-up of two men engaged in a serious conversation, with one man wearing a black shirt and looking intently at the other, who is in a red shirt.

Petey Jones, DB, Remember the Titans

After coming in for the liability on defense that was Ryan Gosling (Best Actor of our Generation), he proved he deserved to start. I need my corners to be characters, always taking the opportunity at making a joke. Plus he thinks football is fun. Or he doesn’t. Or maybe he still does.

NFL Comp: Kenny Moore

Four football players in black uniforms with red accents, standing on the field, focused and ready for the game.

Torres, DB, The Longest Yard

He’s a Hardo. I mean the guy smokes with his helmet on. But then again he also watches the View so I guess there’s that. I think The Longest Yard is a cheat code for this roster because its dude’s that have nothing to lose and are playing to feel something.

NFL Comp: Josh Norman

Two football players showing strong emotions in a moment of vulnerability, one comforting the other who is visibly upset.

Brian Chavez, DB, Friday Night Lights

An assimilated Mexican DB playing in Texas, must i say more. This archetype of player leads with their helmet and cries when they lose. Literally a coach’s dream. You mean to tell me you didn’t cry at your buddy dying, but not winning a high school football game brought you to your knees? Fuck yea I want you on the team.

NFL Comp: Christian Gonzalez

A football referee communicating with players in the rain during a game, with one player in a yellow jersey number 33 and others in the background.

Stefen Djordjevic, DB, All the Right Moves

Look, I know it’s Tom Cruise and that dude is small, but in the movie I think they made him taller than he is in real life. Plus, Ronaldo said it best “The one thing you can’t teach is hunger”, and Stefen is poor as shit so he’s definitely hungry.

NFL Comp: Jeff Heath

A close-up of a football player with a serious expression, wearing a football jersey with orange and blue colors, and eye black under his eyes, against a backdrop of trees.

Thad Castle, LB, Blue Mountain State (Captain)

His daddy went to Bosnia son. You ever been there? That’s what I thought bitch. He is selected as one of our Captains because he is willing to do rabies for us. He will be in charge of bringing the team together through fun activities such as lunch, movie nights, and cookie runs.

NFL Comp: Dan Campbell

A scene from a football film featuring a coach with a clipboard and players in orange jerseys, including one player wearing number 9, gathered together on the field.

Bobby Boucher, LB, The WaterBoy

He’s got the anger of an alligator with no toothbrush. To this day I remember when Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime and the Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl. Our defense will be sending him on a blitz every play.

NFL Comp: Micah Parsons

A man with short hair and tattoos leans on a table, looking thoughtfully at something off-screen in a brightly colored indoor space with soft play equipment in the background.

Vontae Mack, LB, Draft Day (Captain)

It was always Vontae Mack, no matter what. All of his teammates attended his birthday party and he plays in memory of his mamma. Dude is the most NFL ready prospect ever to grace the big screen, not to mention he’s played by Chadwick Boseman (RIP).

NFL Comp: Fred Warner

A group of American football players, wearing black helmets and jerseys, huddled together on the field. One player, prominently featured in the foreground, is passionately shouting, displaying determination and focus.

Luther “Shark” Lavay, LB, Any Given Sunday

It’s Lawrence Taylor. Our team’s cocaine budget will have to be increased, but I think we can all agree he is the most obvious addition to any football team.

NFL Comp: Lawrence Taylor (On Cocaine)

A football player in a dirty, brown and white uniform wearing a maroon helmet and jersey with the number 2, pointing forward with determination on the field.

Gerry Bertier, DE, Remember the Titans

I’m switching Gerry to Defensive End to get max use of his speed and strength. Plus I think him and Julius on both sides would be the nastiest combo. He reminds me of a young Khalil Mack or Micah Parsons, dude can play any position on defense. 

NFL Comp: Maxx Crosby (Just because he is white)

A close-up of a football player in dirty pads, engaging in a serious conversation with another player.

Julius Campbell, DE, Remember the Titans

We just have to have Julius on the other side of Bertier. The Strong Side, Left Side debate will just have to go on all season as these two continue to compare stats. This type of 1 2 punch is a QB’s nightmare, the league hasn’t seen brothers dominate like this since the Watts.

NFL Comp: Demarcus Ware

A close-up of a muscular man with a pained expression, wearing a loose-fitting gray T-shirt, while interacting with another person off-camera.

Switowski, DT, The Longest Yard

One hit from this guy, and you’ll shit yourself. Literally. He reminds me of the cyclops from the odyssey, a dumb giant who just needs someone to show him direction. Plus if we are going against Mason Rudolph, we can tell him he said the N word and he’ll give him flashbacks to Myles Garrett.

NFL Comp: Myles Garrett

A serious-looking male athlete with a mustache, posing for a team photo, wearing a teal sports jersey.

Ray Finkle, K, Ace Ventura

I’ll keep it short and simple: It was Dan Marino’s fault. How do you go laces in as a pro football holder? That’s just as bad as Lucy taking the ball from Charlie Brown right before he kicks.

NFL Comp: Scott Norwood 

A football player in a yellow jersey with the number 86 is running on a field while holding a football. In the background, another player is chasing him amidst a cloud of dust.

Dude running from Explosion ,KR, The Dark Knight Rises

He outran literal explosions from Bane. He was so locked in that he didn’t realize he was in danger ’til he touched the endzone. I know people will be pissed that American Hero Forrest Gump isn’t on here, but c’mon. The dude outran BANE!

NFL Comp: Devin Hester

A man seated on a couch displaying his foot while reacting playfully, wearing a casual shirt with the words 'Reed's Pizza' and pants.

Longfellow Deeds, Owner, Mr.Deeds

A man that won’t stand for any fuckery from his players. He runs a tight ship when it comes to respect, and that’s winning culture. Not to mention he has Elon money but with morals. 

NFL Comp: Shahid Khan (probably not a good guy but he’s funny)

A man in a white dress shirt and tie stands confidently in a sports management room, surrounded by several people working at computers and discussions taking place. Jersey numbers are displayed on the wall behind him.

Sonny Weaver Jr, GM, Draft Day

Just give him a chance, and if by the end of the night you don’t like the team he’s put together you can quit. The guy drafts by vibes, he drafts like it’s fantasy football, and that’s electric. Deciding to trade your first round picks for the next three years for fake Johnny Manziel in the morning, and then flipping it for 5 players and your picks back from a pancake eating mother fucker is awesome.

NFL Comp: Howie Roseman

A man with a mustache wearing a navy sweater is smiling and pointing while sitting indoors, with large windows in the background.

Ted Lasso, HC, Ted Lasso

There’s a lot of personalities on this team, we need someone that can bring them all together. The Lasso way almost won them the premier league, with no sabotage, Ted can bring us a superbowl.

NFL Comp: Jim Harbaugh

A group of six men performing a joyful dance in tan skirts and matching tank tops, with an outdoor prison setting in the background.

Cheerleaders, The Longest Yard

Say what you want about the look, but you can’t say they don’t bring the fire. They take care of the players and fire up the crowd. What else do you need?

NFL Comp: Eagles (but only the guy cheerleader)

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